But seriously, emotionally I feel very vulnerable. Being a mom takes so much out of you and puts your heart right out there on the table for anything and everything to take their turn at poking and prodding it. I guess any mom understands this feeling...constantly wondering about your children and hoping they are OK when you aren't with them. Worrying about their future and hoping you are doing the right things to ensure they are healthy and happy. Feeling like any little thing that goes wrong is your fault and could have been avoided if you would have done something differently.
I feel like my heart is so open to emotion right now...happiness, sadness, fear, loneliness. I miss the hubs at night more than I think I ever have. I laugh easier. I cry at the drop of a hat (of course that isn't really anything new with me). I fear being hurt or one of the boys being hurt. I fear what they would do if they didn't have Dan or I to take care of them. I feel so sentimental about everything. I want to do everything possible during the holidays this year to make it special for the boys. I'm afraid that I'll forget to do something or take that one special picture and I won't be able to recreate the moment.
I'm so thankful to God for the life that I have right now, but at the same time I hope that I can adjust to this new state of mind. Right now it really has me thrown for a loop.
On a much less serious note, I got some new clothes yesterday, which is very exciting. A great deal of my winter wardrobe just doesn't fit me quite yet, so I'm in desperate need to both work and casual clothes. I got some new skirts and a great sweater at Kohl's...love that place. Here is my loot...I got three skirts (one denim, one black and one in a brown tweedish pattern) and a gray cowlneck sweater that I loooove. (I cut the weird braided things off of the skirt...it was $11 on clearance so I figured I could do a little tweaking.)
I wore the sweater and denim skirt to work today with black tights and boots...excuse my poor attempt at self-portraits.
Today is my last day of work for a week and a half! The hubs and I are both taking next week off and we have tomorrow and Friday off for turkey day so we are really excited. We're going over to mother-in-law's house for the main meal tomorrow and then my family is coming over to our house for dessert later in the day. We'll be spending most of the weekend with family too...I can't wait. What are your plans?
No matter what I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!
The emotions of a loving Mommy are so heavy sometimes!! I can relate in every way; definitely know that there are millions of moms who have felt so much of what you're feeling. Loving so deeply comes with so many worries, stresses, and guilt at times. You and Dan are doing such an amazing job - your boys are loved and healthy. Just keep doing what your doing, and kiss their faces all day long =)
ReplyDeleteThanks Jenessa...they definitely aren't lacking kisses. :)
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy - I'm so sorry you are going through this. Being a Mom is definitely the most rewarding and yet the hardest thing to do. I felt the same way after I had Jonathan - just know that you are doing the very best for your boys and for Dan. God will pull you through it - trust me, he will.
ReplyDeleteBlessing to you and all your family this first Thankgiving with your boys :)