{discouraged}

I feel like I need a makeover. When I look in the mirror these days, I have a hard time not being discouraged by what I see.

Wrinkles appearing on my forehead. Those extra 15 baby pounds I just can't seem to get rid of. Upper arms that you would think would be toned from lifting my two hunks of baby love, but look nothing like they did a few years ago. Hair that used to be shiny and stick straight that is now course, with bends in weird places and more than a few gray hairs in the mix.

I guess I should wear all of these things proudly. They are the badges of honor a mom earns, right? I think now that the boys are nearing their 1st birthday, I'm discouraged because I expected to be back to my old self by now. Unrealistic? Most definitely. I guess I watch too much television and see too many celebrities post baby.

Regardless of the why, I am discouraged. I am trying to eat better and exercise but could be doing much better in both departments. I'm a stress eater, and the events of the past year could be summed up by one word...stressful. Happy, but stressful.

I'm realizing that I spent the past 15 or so years taking a lot of my self-worth from my appearance. I was proud of being thin and in shape. I was blessed to be able to go into a store, try on something I thought was cute, and have it look cute on me. I was in Target Sunday and tried on some capri pants. Big mistake. Even the ones in the size bigger than some of my current clothes were too tight. It is hard to adjust to shopping not being fun anymore...I miss that. I never thought I would be one of those people that hated clothes shopping. Big reality check.

And I found out yesterday that my Granddaddy is being moved into a nursing home on Friday. He is nearing 90 years old and has Alzheimer's, so it is time. But I'm sad...sad for him, sad for my Grandmother who will be living alone now, sad for a marriage of over 60 years that is facing a death of sorts. I'm praying that he will be OK there, and that she will be OK facing this big change in her life.

My apologies for such a bummer of a post, but I needed to get this out. Hopefully now I can make more room in my brain for happy thoughts.