{just plain me}

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Have you ever felt so out of sorts that you just don't know what to do with yourself? A million things to do but can't seem to bring yourself to start even one of them? I feel so lost today and have been feeling that way off and on for the past month or so. Trying to dig "Mandy" out from underneath all of the noise and chaos going on around me. Whatever the source of the chaos, whether it be wonderful or sad, exciting or depressing, it all adds up to one big pile that is currently sitting on my shoulders.

I know that part of my doom and gloom this week is a bit of a letdown now that the boys' birthday is over. I relate it very much to the feeling after our wedding was over. Where did that year go? On one hand I would NEVER want to relive that year. In all honesty, it was the hardest year of my life. But I'm also sad that my boys are growing so fast and I will never have that time back. I don't want to miss a single second of their lives, yet I desperately long for time just for me. What a wicked game parenthood plays.

Even after a year I'm still not settled into the role of mom. Maybe we never completely settle into that role. Every day brings something new and unexpected that I was never trained for. Just as in life, I guess we are always learning. I just hope that I can learn how to juggle all of my roles...mom, wife, employee, daughter, sister, and just plain me, before too much more time passes by. There is a little voice in my head yelling, "Get it together, girl!". I'm trying, really I am.