First of all, I want to say thank you for all of the amazing comments I've received on my welcome to motherhood posts {parts 1 and 2}. I was humbled and brought to tears hearing how so many of you went through similar experiences. We are such strong women and together we are even stronger!
And secondly, welcome to my new "followers" {I prefer to call you friends}. So glad to have you!
Now how about a little Friday love list?
1. A fitting quote related to the journey of motherhood {or any journey for that matter}...
We had purple walls in our first house and I never thought I would want to use the color again but this room could change my mind. Love, love, love the fireplace wall! Makes me wish our fireplace was stone even more!
4. Love this idea for a bathroom, kid's room or even an entryway...
I've been collecting ideas for a DIY wall decal project. {Well, so far only in my mind but hopefully this weekend I can actually put it to the test, so stay tuned!}
Hope everyone has a fun weekend planned! We have a lot of house projects to work on, and it will probably be super hot out, so I have a feeling we'll be spending lots of time in the air conditioning. My staple gun and spackle are waiting for me!
{You can read part 1 of welcome to motherhoodhere}
I'm wondering what I got myself into right now as I try to begin this part of my story. The truth can be very scary and isn't always pretty, as my good friend Laura reminded me. So here we go...
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I wish I could go back and enjoy it more.
I wish I could re-live some of those newborn days and take in all of their sounds and smells...really take it in.
I wish I could remember exactly how they felt in my arms, the way their little fingers felt in my hands.
I honestly wish I could remember.
Those first few days and weeks of motherhood are in so many ways a blur in my memory. Everything all smushed into one big pile of anxiety, depression and thoughts of "what the hell was I thinking having these babies?" I remember at one point my Mom asking me if I was having second thoughts about motherhood. I don't know if I answered her, or how I answered her. But I was. Of course there is no turning back. And I knew that.
I prayed for relief. But I didn't know what form that relief could come in. I truly felt that my life was over. I was forever going to have these two foreign beings attached to my chest for hours upon hours. I wasn't ever going to enjoy a full night of uninterrupted sleep again. I would never look in the mirror and be happy with the body I see again. I wasn't prepared for this shock to my system.
I didn't see an end in sight.
I looked at my precious boys and all I felt was fear. I didn't want to hold them. I didn't feel attached to them in any way. How was it that I could feel more in love for them when they were inside my womb than now that they are staring back at me with those beautiful blue eyes? The love just wasn't there, not matter how hard I wished for it to appear.
I dreaded when they woke up because it meant they would start crying. Which meant I had to feed them. Which meant over an hour of breastfeeding that was painful and not giving them what they needed. It felt like they were always hungry. And I felt like a complete failure.
For the first month we slept with the boys downstairs {their room and ours were both upstairs}. Dan on the sofa. Me in the recliner. The boys in the pack-n-play.
I know that probably sounds really odd, but we were so overwhelmed and it worked at the time. The PNP was a huge PITA to move upstairs and we wanted the boys in our room with us. Their crib wouldn't fit through our bedroom door. You get the idea. So downstairs we stayed. For a whole month.
No wonder we looked like this...
I can't believe I just shared this photo, but it is a fitting illustration for sure.
I don't know what I would have done without Dan. Bless his heart he not only had to deal with two new babies but a depressed wife as well. He had his moments too. But he was so good with the boys from day 1...
And thank goodness for all of the women in our family...our moms, Dan's sister, and his Grandma. They stayed the night...they cooked...they cleaned. They had quite a few wet shoulders from my tears.
I don't remember how old the boys were, probably somewhere between 1-2 weeks, when with the help of Dan, my Mom and my mother-in-law, we decided I had to get some help. I owed it to my boys to get some help.
So I called my OB's office and while choking back tears explained how I was feeling and told the nurse about my past experience with anxiety. Without having to go in for a visit, the doctor prescribed me an anxiety medication and some emergency xanax to help bring me out of the black hole I had fallen into.
I also stopped breastfeeding. This was all at once the biggest relief and greatest guilt I have ever felt. But I couldn't breastfeed on the medication. And without the medication I couldn't handle breastfeeding. So there you go...formula it was.
The boys were sucking down bottles like there was no tomorrow...and they were full....and happier!
And after a few days so was I...
Don't get me wrong...it was still hard. Like really hard. But manageable. I didn't feel hopeless anymore. And with each passing day..minute even...I started to feel a connection forming between us.
And then all of a sudden they were a month old!
And we finally got up the courage to let them sleep in their crib {they shared for a few weeks}...
And we slept in our bed. Life was getting back to normal. Well...a new normal anyway.
And I started having fun with them. Like posing Ben in his Papa's childhood rocker...
Poor thing was so cross eyed that first month.
And taking our first trip to the park...
Those are my first real memories of motherhood.
Motherhood as I know it now. The way it is supposed to be. The good stuff. The good stuff that makes the hard stuff bearable, and even desired in a strange way. Because we know the hard stuff is making us stronger.
So there it is. And I managed to only shed a few tears. I actually think I smiled more than I cried while writing this. And that seems about right. The smiles and laughter we experience as parents always overshadow even the darkest moments. I am so thankful for that, and for my boys.
Promise to have the next chapter of welcome to motherhood up soon! Thanks to everyone for your really sweet and encouraging comments...I have to admit they made me a little teary, but in a good way.
Do you all mind if I get a bit serious with you today?
I try to keep things light-hearted on This Girl's Life but over the past week or so I have felt moved to share the story of the birth of my boys, and the first few weeks and months after they arrived. I realized that I never really did this, other than little updates here and there, and I feel that my story might hopefully provide comfort for other moms who went through a similar experience. Until now I think I was to embarrased or ashamed to talk about the emotional struggle adjusting to motherhood was for me.
I've had quite a few friends become moms over the past month, two of them to twins. The announcement of new motherhood sends my head spinning. It brings up all sorts of anxieties, and in my mind, some failures, that I experienced during the early days of my new life as a mother. To be honest, becoming a mother was the most difficult, and dare I say, darkest, point of my life.
Yes, I know darkest is a really strong word. And I feel guilty and judged just for typing it. But it is the truth. It was a struggle of proportions that I had never imagined. Today I want to share a bit about my pregnancy, and the story of the boys' birth, which was by far the smoothest part of the road we have been on.
I went into motherhood with a lot of naivety. In a way I'm glad I did, but sometimes I wish so much that I had been more prepared mentally for what was to come. I had only babysat once in my life, which was an epic fail, I had never changed a diaper...you get the picture.
{And a little background information.. I've battled with anxiety for over half of my life. It started at age 13 and has come and gone in waves over the past twenty years.}
When I found out I was pregnant I was on an anxiety medication, which I had to stop taking for the health of the babies. Much to my surprise, I went through the pregnancy feeling great and didn't have any issues being off of the meds. Of course I had the normal anxiety surrounding pregnancy and giving birth, multiplied by the fact that I was having multiple babies.
My pregnancy was almost perfect with very few complications. Our biggest scare came at 12 weeks when I experienced some heavy bleeding. We were sent to the hospital for an ultrasound, praying for the best but preparing ourselves for the worst. The ultrasound tech started the exam and found a strong heartbeat. We were so relieved! Then she said..."well that's interesting"..."there are two!"...
Twins run in my family, so we shouldn't have been surprised, but it just never occurred to me that I might continue the trend. Once the twin dust settled, the pregnancy continued smoothly. I coerced the hubby into taking the obligitory monthly belly shots...
20 weeks
I started having a lot of discomfort walking at the start of the 2nd trimester {which lasted until the end...oy}, but other than that I felt great. Near the 30 week mark I started having contractions quite often, and we made three separate trips to L&D to stop them and keep the boys baking a bit longer.
My crazy big 30 week pregnant belly...someone told me I looked like a toothpick that had swallowed an olive!
Finally, at 39 1/2 weeks, I was induced {funny, after all of those early contractions}. They broke my water around 7 am and I had the boys, naturally, at 3:49 {Landon} and 3:52 {Ben} pm on the same day. {By naturally, I mean without a c-section, not without drugs...I may have anxiety issues but I'm not crazy.}
The doctor said it was the easiest twin birth he had ever experienced. I remember actually saying "That's it? That was easy!" once Ben had made his arrival into the world. I actually feel guilty when I talk about how easy the birth was. I was totally numb and pushed two babies out in a matter of five minutes. Insanity I tell you.
Landon on the left and Ben on the right
I remember being handed Landon and joking about how wrinkly his forehead was. I could tell already that he looked like his daddy...
Me just seconds after giving birth is a tad scary. So swollen!
I remember Dan trying to make sure he knew which one was which...we were both anxious about getting them mixed up. Thankfully their size and hair color made that easy for us.
I remember the first time the nurse brought them both in to try breastfeeding for the first time.
My two baby burritos
I don't even know what word to use to describe that moment. Surreal....awkward. She taught me how to feed both of them at once. It seemed manageable with her there to help me.
I remember Dan looking like a natural from the first second he held one of them. And the support I felt from him was immeasurable.
I remember so many family members coming to visit and feeling so much love.
My parents were just a little bit excited.
I remember the nurses letting us sleep until 10 am on our last day in the hospital. I'm sure they knew it was the last time we would get to sleep in for a long, long time.
And then we went home. And I still looked 40 weeks pregnant. {but I felt oddly skinny...I had lost 14 lbs of baby!}
I remember us walking into the house and sitting them down on the living room floor in their carseats.
I remember feeling panicked. And anxious. And not sure what to do next.
I think God blessed me with such an easy birth experience to prepare me for what was to come.
Hopefully getting some work done in that room over the weekend. We are moving our old sofa down there {it is still in our dining room} and transforming it from a make-shift storage room to a hang out and place for the boys to play. I'm excited to make it a useful space!
