Breaking Free

There have been two times in my life when I felt as if the universe was guiding my soul and circumstances in a way that was not under my control.

The first was five years ago when I came back to drawing.

The second is happening pretty much right now as I type this, and has been ruminating for almost all of 2018 so far.

Everything feels a bit like it is floating in a holding space, between the now and the what is going to be, and I'm just waiting for the second gate to open and let me through. 

Meanwhile God is sending me some stellar growth opportunities.

That last line was written with a bit of sarcasm, because GOODNESS. I'm spent.

Now is the time when I need to admit I had gotten myself to a very cranky place. And when I say cranky I mean bitter, annoyed, frustrated...all of those emotions we are taught to hold inside, mask with a smile, work through with a few encouraging images shared from Pinterest. I've been trying that last one and it does help a bit. 

Funny thing about God and the universe is that sometimes when you are begging for mercy, it comes in the exact opposite form you were expecting. 

For me, mercy has looked like two weeks full of challenging situations...using my voice, speaking up for myself and for others, facing hard truths, and stepping into my fullest potential. 

It has been EXHAUSTING and at the same time EMPOWERING.

You feel like you are facing it all alone. And at times you are. But I've also had friends stand up for me, take my hand and say, "I'm with you," thank me for having the courage to speak up. 

I even got a "That took guts!" which I have never, ever in my life been told. 

I have guts?! 

Surely they were mistaken.

But you know what? Turns out I do. They've been in there all along. 

The five-year-old who used to hide behind her mother's legs at church. 

The early twenty something who quit more than one job because she was terrified of failure. 

The girl who dropped an art class in college because she couldn't stand anyone watching her draw. (I know, right?!) 

She had guts. She didn't know how to use them yet, but they were already there. 

And the funny thing about using your guts is they multiply exponentially super fast with each use. Kind of like eating Grape Nuts cereal. You take one bite, and it's replaced with two more. 

The supply just keeps building, cheering you on from the conference room, the art table, the coworker's office, the email inbox. 

I was on the treadmill yesterday morning thinking about the past few weeks and shedding a few tears, (exercise is emotional you guys) and quickly typed up this list of instructions that helped get me through...

• Speak up
• Even when it is hard. Especially when it is. 
• Lean in
• Don't run away from the hard stuff. Know that it is helping you grow.
• Hold on
• Tight. To whatever you know is true and good in your life. The people, the feelings, the experiences.
• Power down
• Rest. Relax. Do what you need to do to regroup.
• Zone out
• Sometimes you have to escape from all of it, even for a few minutes. That's OK! Turn off your mind, take a nap, meditate, eat a pint of ice cream. Whatever works. 

*May I suggest 4 & 5 be done appropriately with your favorite Netflix show, your comfiest pants, and whatever comfort food fits your mood at the moment. 

Here is an illustration of me powering down, you know, for visual reference.

The lesson in all of this is I'm right where I need to be. And you are too. 

Life being hard and challenging doesn't have to mean you are stuck. 

Sometimes it is giving you the opportunity to break free. 

So a little recap for us all:

• Use those guts God gave you
• You are not stuck
• You are right where you need to be
• You are breaking free

You got this.

XO,

One Little Word 2018

Can you believe it is time for a new year and a new one little word?

I've been choosing a word since 2012, and looking back on each year's post about my words and why I chose them is such a crazy trip. The things I talk about wanting and moving toward have slowly been taking shape over the past 5 years, and just like last year's word, it has literally been like magic. 

When I started to think about what word I would choose for 2018, it was pretty darn clear that whatever I chose needed to move me toward caring for myself in a way I hadn’t been the last few months of 2017.

I personally had a year of wonderfully surprising victories, and at the same time felt weary over and over again with the state of our country and the world. Such a strange space to find yourself in - that mix of joy and grief.

2017 was amazing for my growing art career, but that growth meant I found myself filling every minute of my spare time with to-do’s and hardly any white space. 

I signed with my art agent, Pink Light Studio, in October, and that was when things really kicked into high gear. I spent that first month overcome with a mix of joy and intense anxiety as I figured everything out. 

If I can be completely honest, it was around then that I started experiencing panic attacks in a new and terrifying form of chest pains...a sign that I needed to take more time to slow down, breathe deeply, and give myself more margin and some extra grace as I traveled along this new learning curve. 

So in 2018 I’m going to allow myself time to rest, to dream, to explore, and to take more deep breaths. (And I'm very relieved and happy to say I'm slowly getting the hang of this art agent thing!)

My word for 2018 is BALANCE.

I am full with giddy anticipation for what this year has in store, and I hope you are too. 2018 is going to be a good one friends. 

If you are choosing a word for your year, I would love to hear about it!

Oh, and instead of ordering my word on a piece of jewelry this year, I got this. SO excited to find a perfect spot for it in the house. 

To a year full of good things!

{around here lately}

Hey there, October!

Can you believe it friends? 

October is my favorite month of the year for many reasons. Our wedding anniversary is the 11th (11 years!) and everything fall just makes me happy. Like walking through a crunchy blanket of tiny yellow leaves. And wearing comfy sweaters. And cuddling on a chilly Saturday morning on the couch with my boys. 

I want October to be a slow month.

But the reality, just like every other month of the year, is that it isn't. While I'm so thankful for my full time job, it is always super busy in the fall with events and extra meetings and it is frustrating trying to balance that necessary busy with my need for slowness and time to savor every tiny yellow leaf and couch cuddling session. 

I'm currently reading The Best Yes, and it has showed me how even though I can't get rid of all the busyness, I can say no to things that, even though they are good, they aren't the absolute best way for me to spend my time. I said no to some custom doodles recently that was a really hard no, but the relief I felt when I didn't have those orders looming over me was beyond worth it. 

Sure, I have the literal time to do them. But I don't have the head space. I've become hyper aware that I need a lot of margin, or white space, in order to be happy, calm and available to the really good things in my life. 

Like taking my boys on a date to the coffee shop and making silly faces in the bathroom mirror...

And noticing the awesome animal train they made in the family room and not being annoyed by the mess, but instead being in awe of their creativity...

And finding joy in sorting their socks which ALL had a match...

miraculous I tell ya.

And take some time to pretty up our entryway...

I'm also super excited about some ways I'm working on my art these days. I'm working on my first line of Christmas/holiday cards (EEEK!) and taking an online class to learn about turning my doodles into repeat patterns. SUPER exited about both of these things. 

I'll be sharing more about the holiday cards soon but for now here is a fun sneak peek...

And of course if you follow me on Instagram and/or Facebook you'll get lots more updates in real time. :)

So here's to an October we can live as slow as possible!

XO,