{still processing...or #InfluenceConf recap #1}

I'm struggling a bit with putting into words my experience at The Influence Conference.

If I can be totally honest...conflicted is the best word I can come up with since coming home on Saturday. I don't want you all to think I had a negative experience, because it was far from that. The women were...amazing. Not one time did I encounter someone with less than a welcoming smile on her face.

The workshops were inspiring. My roommates were total sweethearts {and put up with the fact that I had a horrible cold the entire weekend with so much graciousness.}

But my head and heart...now they are a different story.

I'm going to be super honest with you all right now and say that I would bet money on the fact that I might have been the only girl at the conference that doesn't attend church. And not because I haven't found the RIGHT church. I don't WANT to. So you can see why I felt just a tad bit conflicted being at a Christian bloggers conference. I know...it makes me giggle a bit as well.

As a super quick backstory for those who don't know me personally, I grew up a minister's child in a Disciples of Christ church. When I was 21, my dad was fired from his position. He had been at that church for 22 years.

It was our home. It was our family. It was our entire life. And just like that...in a matter of a few months, it was gone.

The experience left me cynical. It stripped away the trust I had for others. It left me looking at everyone around me, including my friends, with a highly critical eye. My heart was broken.

But I will tell you what wasn't broken.

My faith.

Over the past 14 years it has grown stronger. And deeper. I've become a mother and gone through family trauma...clinging onto God and his grace and mercy to carry me through.

Working at a seminary for the past 6 years I've been surrounded by people that show me such a true love for God, which has really helped to heal many of my wounds. I get my church at work...most people can't say that.

But still...being around so many women who lead a different spiritual life than I do really threw me into a place of discomfort and questioning. I found myself on so many occasions asking why I was there. And then someone like Lara Casey or Jeff Goins or Shauna Niequist would say something SO darn brilliant and remind me that I was in the exact place I was supposed to be. Whether or not I share the same spiritual path as everyone else.

I'm on God's path. Or at least I'm working every day to stay on it.

I still feel conflicted, but I'm so glad I went.

And here are just a few reasons why...

I hope to share more about my experience at the conference, digging deep into the truths I heard and the lessons I'll carry with me. More to come!

{I want to be open}

In two days I leave for the Influence Conference and in so many ways I don't feel ready.

I'm nervous about being away from the boys for three days. It will be the longest I've been away from them ever and it is already stirring up tears when I think about it. I know they will be in good hands because Dan is an amazing father and fills in my gaps better than I fill in his, but I'm still going to have a hard time with it. I just want them to be OK and to not freak out. Tears on my end will happen no matter what.

I'm nervous about meeting so many women that {if I can be honest}, I'm totally intimidated by. I may seem like I have it all together, but put me in a room full of women and every one of my insecurities comes out of hiding, screaming in my ears. Whew...they are sneaky little things! 

I'm worried about what to wear especially because I know the room is going to be full of SO many adorably dressed and accessorized ladies. I'm doing my best to keep reminding myself why I'm going. To grow as a writer and to learn how to better tell my story. To be inspired by the amazing people I will meet. To learn how my little corner of the virtual world here can help others. 

I'm praying that I can be inspired instead of intimidated. 

Reminding myself that there is an infinite amount of awesome to go around. 

I'm praying that I can let go of my nerves and just be open to new friendships, to new growth, to the amazing things that will be placed before me. 

I want to be open. 

Oh yes...and I need to PACK!

Are you going to Influence? I would love to meet up and be inspired by you!

{we are vessels}

The truth sometimes looks like this...

Its scary. And we hide from it. 

But we all desperately need it.

Last weekend I taught my first Discovering Your Truth workshop, and I was surprised to find myself feeling both humbled and fulfilled at the same time...with a bit more weight on the humbled side. 

I shared on my vlog the other day about the idea that we often want to teach others the same lessons we ourselves need to learn...a concept I picked up from this lovely blog. And maybe it was because my workshop fell during a time period when I was already feeling particularly raw because of how hectic life had been, but I found myself falling into the role of student right along with everyone else. 

It was surprising to me that after the workshop, and even still lingering today, I feel more vulnerable and self-conscious than I feel empowered. I feel a sense of joy that the women who came left our shared space with encouraged hearts and something that they made with their own two hands to remind them of that. But at the same time I felt like, "How am I qualified to be teaching this?" and "What the heck am I doing here?"

Maybe this is the way it is supposed to be. When we feel so led to teach others something that is burning in our hearts, that desire isn't solely our own. This creativity that flows inside of me isn't something of my own making. I have to remind myself of that. And that realization comes with a healthy does of humility.

I'm simply a vessel for the work that God wants me to do in the world. 

I honestly believe it is our deep responsibility to cultivate our gifts...to honor God by sharing them with others. 

That doesn't mean it will come easy to us...I think if it does then maybe we aren't digging deep enough. This also brings me back to my vlog and the idea of stretching ourselves. I truly feel that the only way we are going to grow is if we take a few steps, or even a giant leap, outside of our comfort zone to cultivate the talents we've been entrusted with. 

Am I good at that? Not even close. In fact, I'll be the first to admit that my default tends to be the path most traveled, instead of the least. 

But I know I owe it to Him to give it a shot.

We are the vessels but we also have to do the work to bring our talents out of hiding. 

My friend Hannah talked here about how we all go through seasons of our talents being hidden...for one reason or another they need to lie dormant...but to have hope and believe that when the time is right we will be given the opportunity to let them come up through the surface like a plant breaking through the soil. {Go read her post...it is wonderful.}

I feel like it is my time to break through that ground, and that is both exciting and scary at the same time. I wonder if I will be able to do my talents justice, or if I'll fall flat on my face. But all any of us can do is have hope in His plan for us, listen to that small voice leading us in the right direction, and surround ourselves with people that encourage and want the best for us. 

Whew! So if you've made it through all that, here is a little photo recap of my workshop. It was such a fun time with some great ladies {including my Mom!}

That lady up there....that's Amy, and she is AMAZING, for lack of a better word. She helped me lead the workshop and has been my biggest encourager throughout this process. 

I am already planning my next class and find myself actually looking forward to feeling vulnerable, to being a student, to even being scared...because those are the times we grow the most.

Linking up with...

{thoughts on stretching}

*source*

The past few weeks have been almost unbearably chaotic for me, and as things have calmed down a bit, and I'm finding more space to breathe and rest, feelings and thoughts are bubbling to the surface.

I wanted to share a few of those with you today...

*Liz Lamoreux's blog*

What do you think about stretching ourselves? Let's start a conversation!

{trust and obey}

my baby dedication in 1978

Growing up as a minister's child, church hymns were a part of my musical memory from early on.  We had a dozen or so hymns that made the rotation depending on the season or holiday we were coming upon. I had a few that were my definite favorites. "Higher Ground" was one of them. "Lord lift me up...and let me stand..."

Sometimes I would sing softly so I could hear my Mom hit the high notes. She has a beautiful voice, and also helped to cover up my Dad's sometimes off-tune crooning which was magnified by his pulpit microphone. {sorry Dad}

If I'm being honest I haven't attended a church service in years. My Dad's last days at our church were back when I was 21 years old, and since then I can count on one hand the number of worship services I've taken part in.

But those hymns sure have stuck with me.

They will turn up in the oddest places when I'm not expecting them. Like some morning in the shower I'll find myself singing, "This is the day...this is the day...that the Lord has made...that the Lord has made...we will rejoice...we will rejoice...and be glad in it."

I don't make a conscious effort to start singing. It is like the music comes from within me and escapes from my mouth before it even reaches my brain.

And sometimes it isn't a hymn at all...like the days when I find myself humming the Transformers theme song while I'm drying my hair. But we all know where that is coming from. :)

Anyway...back to deeper things.

On Monday I was taking a little break from work to make popcorn in our break room. I had been struggling for a few days with something, and I was praying about it while the kernels popped in the background. I was praying that my focus on something could change from a materialistic goal to a more meaningful one.

I was feeling a bit disappointed in myself and also a little {OK...A LOT} vulnerable.

The microwave beeped and jolted me out of my prayer. As I walked over to take the bag out, I realized that I was singing to myself.

"Trust and obey...for there's no other way...to be happy in Jesus...but to trust and obey."

OK Lord.

I get it.

I have no other explanation as to why I was singing that song other than it was God's way of answering my prayer. I hadn't sung or heard that hymn in years. But the words made complete sense.

I have to trust that it will work out according to His plan. And obey His will for me, even if what is happening right now doesn't fit neatly into the picture frame I had created in my mind.

source

I'm really amazed at how God answered my prayer through song. This is the first time I can remember receiving an answer so quickly, and in such a lovely form.

Has something similar every happened to you? How do you think God answers your prayers?

{that thing called hope}

I've always been a fairly optimistic person. 

I try to see the good in others and in all situations. Emphasis on try. ;)

I believe that God has a plan for my life and every day I do my best to stay on the track that He wants me to be on. 

I don't know if it is a by-product of how my parents raised me, or just my DNA, but I tend to have a lot of hope about life in general. Even when things look bleak and aren't working out the way I want them to, I have hope that the right thing will come along when I most need it. When my family most needs it. When my friends most need it. 

Sometimes I think about hope, and feel silly or naive about the whole concept. 

Do good things, and good will come back to you. Does that always happen?

Well, honestly, not always. Sometimes we do our best and we still get crap dumped on us. That's life. But I think we have to see the beauty amongst the crap. OK...that's a horrible illustration. 

How about we have to see the shining light in the darkness...even if it is just a small flicker in what seems like an enormous black hole. 

It IS there. 

Sometimes we just have to work REALLY hard to find it. And I think all of that extra work is God's way of refining us...getting us ready for what's to come...making us a better version of ourselves.

If anything so far in my life has taught me that, it has been my journey so far as a mother. I didn't even realize how much refining I needed until those two boys came into the world. You would think there would be nothing left of me after all of the shaping, chiseling and polishing God has done to little old me. And I do have to admit that I lost hope for a few weeks right after they were born. But I'm SO thankful it came back.  

To quote one of my favorite movies...

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of good things. 

And no good thing ever dies."

-The Shawshank Redemption

Two things happened over the past few weeks that got me thinking a lot about hope, and the blind faith I tend to carry in my heart. One was hope for a better financial situation for our family. An opportunity came up that ended up not working out, and to be honest, I did get frustrated. I cried a bit. But then I thought about it a bit more and was reminded that we are doing OK. Yes, the money would have been very helpful. But we're doing OK. The right think WILL come along. 

"Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer."

-Romans 12:12

I also took quite a big step a few weeks ago to heal a personal relationship. It was quite a scary leap...taken after much prayer and difficult contemplation and talks with God. Much to my surprise some baby steps have been taken toward healing, and for that I'm grateful. I believe I was rewarded for that crazy, scary leap I took. 

And I have hope. 

"For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. 

For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, 

we wait for it with patience."

-Romans 8:24-25

If you can stand one more quote about hope, I have a free printable to share with you today. I love this quote from Emily Dickinson, and I am obsessed with feathers, so it makes me happy...and I hope you will find it an encouraging reminder...

*Click on the image to download*

So tell me, what gives you hope friends? What do you lean on when things get tough. Le's encourage each other!

Linking up with...

{tear-filled laughter}

He texted me with a spin off of one of our favorite Seinfeld quotes...

"Feels like an Arby's lunch."

If you aren't familiar with the quote...


And so we had a lunch date.

They have been few and far between since we became parents. Just the two of us enjoying lunch together {even if it is just a roast beef sandwich and curly fries}.

He picked me up from work and off we went.

After we ordered I picked a table right next to two elderly gentlemen. They looked like the kind of guys that frequent that same little table at the same time every day, to chat about all of the news going on in their lives.

Not too long after we sat down to eat, we were sucked into their conversation.

Not because we were being nosy, but because one of them was talking REALLY loudly.

Actually, he seemed to be the only one talking. The other gentleman just threw in a nod and an "uh-huh" every now and again.

None of their conversation was particularly funny, but for some reason, a certain part of it hit both of our funny bones like a home run ball off of a wooden bat {baseball reference for the hubby}.

He was talking about church and something about candle wax... and how he almost got wax all over his brand new sports coat.

"I wouldn't have been a happy camper!" he said. 

Well that was IT for us.

I looked over at Dan and he had tears streaming down his face, his shoulders pumping up and down the way they tend to do when a fit of uncontrollable laughter hits.

And then it transferred over to me. The kind of laughter that pushes any negative, crappy thoughts or mood you were experiencing at the time directly out of your body through every possible pore.

Both of our eyes were cloudy with tears.

My napkin had both remnants of ketchup and mascara.

That was some majorly healing laughter, friends. I haven't seen my hubby laugh that hard in I don't know how long. It did my heart SO much good.

And the moody tiredness I entered that Arby's with had completely left my body by the time we headed back out into the parking lot.

I looked over at him and said, "Laughter is good medicine." And it was just what we both needed today.

Here is a little printable I made if you would like to keep this reminder close by...

                      *click on the image to download*

I hope your day includes some tear-filled laughter friends!

{the best part of life}

Sometimes the best parts of life aren't the good things.

They aren't the happy, filled with joy moments.

Sometimes they arise from the really hard moments.

For me, the past few years have been at time consumed by a tough moment that has hung on with everything it has...that hasn't let go. But it has given me a new perspective. A new way to see myself. To see others. To appreciate those around me...to appreciate their flaws.

To forgive.

To let go of anger.

To hope for change...for a new beginning.

Today I had the privilege to hear one of my good friends give a message about being broken open. And how we really see God in those moments. How He meets us in those moments and fills up our broken places.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted 

and saves the crushed in spirit. 

-Psalm 34:18

I have been broken and I'm so thankful...for I have been shown a new way to live.

A new way to give thanks.

A new way to see myself in relationship to others.

And I know that no matter how long this hard thing hangs on for...even it if never goes away...I will be OK.

{the best part of life}

Sometimes when my mind is heavy with things I can't figure out, 

or explain, 

or find a solution for...

It helps to focus on the little things that bring me joy.

Signs of fall on our back patio...

A cool breeze through the open car window on my way to work...

A sweet vanilla-laced latte to start my morning...

 These little things are God's relief for a troubled and tired heart.

Peace I leave with you, 

my peace I give unto you: 

not as the world giveth, 

give I unto you. 

Let not your heart be troubled, 

neither let it be afraid.

-John 14:27

What are some of the simple joys that help to soothe your tired soul?

 

{a shift}

When the boys were born, I had a few weeks {or I should probably say months} when I thought quite often, What did I get myself into?

It was so emotionally hard adjusting to parenthood. 

It was hard on ME.

And over the past few weeks, since the boys have started school, I've been having that same thought.

What did I get myself into?

But this time, it is because I'm watching through their eyes, how they are adjusting to becoming people of this world. Seeing the world outside of our four walls, without the safety net of Mom and Dad.

I'm seeing in Landon's teary eyes the anxiety over going to school. That helpless look in his eyes that I know ALL too well when he walks into that room full of children laughing and playing, and he doesn't know how to find his place in it all. 

It brings back the same anxiety I had in junior high when I would sit and cry in the principal's office, asking to go home, because the thought of being in that room of thirty 13 year olds was just too much for me to handle. 

And now I see that same fearful look in my four year old's eyes. 

The anxiety has shifted.

And I can't help but think "What did I get myself into?" 

How do I bear both the load of not only my own anxiety, but now more importantly of my son's as well?

How do I clear the fear from my eyes so that when he looks into them he knows that everything is going to be OK?

It is unexplainably difficult at times. 

The troubles of my heart are enlarged; 

bring me out of my distresses. 

Look upon my affliction and my trouble ... 

Guard my soul and deliver me ... 

for I take refuge in Thee.

-Psalm 25: 17-18, 20

This scripture has helped to calm my heart a bit, but I still feel an overwhelming anxiety today. How do you calm your heart when you are feeling unsettled?

 

{the best part of life}

You make known to me the path of life; 

you will fill me with joy in your presence, 

with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 

 -Psalm 16:11

I've walked this path for many years. It is on the college campus where I work. It winds through a beautiful backdrop of old trees and criss-crossing sidewalks. Along the path, there is an large tree swing made out of weathered wood planks, freshly painted white adirondack chairs for students to sit and study, and squirrels scurrying around searching for their next meal.

I especially love walking through the shadows stenciled onto the pavement by the dancing leaves. 

The path I use to deliver mail or visit the bookstore, now has a whole new meaning. I walk along it, sometimes taking shortcuts through the grass to the next piece of concrete, until I get to the other side of campus, where my boys are attending preschool. 

I feel blessed to have them so close to me during the day. 

This vast plot of God's creation being the only thing that separates us.

And for the opportunity to slow down after a long work day,
to appreciate the beauty of nature,
and anticipate the treasures that are waiting for me at the end of my journey.

Eternal pleasures indeed.

 

{the best part of life}

The LORD is my strength and my shield;

 my heart trusts in him, 

and he helps me. 

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

-Psalm 28:7

This past week provided some valuable lessons in trust for me. In times of uncertainty, of fear, of anxiety, it is tempting to worry and to think of the "what if's". I have been guilty of that on many occasions, but this week I worked very hard to have faith that things would work out in God's time and in His way.

Benny came down with a horrible cold earlier in the week.
We ended up in the doctor's office on Tuesday with the words pneumonia,
x-ray and hospital coming out of the doctor's mouth.
and a breathing treatment on the spot...

I would be lying if I said I didn't have some fear, worry
and anxiety in that moment.

But our doctor is SO wonderful. He calmed my fears and assured me that the breathing treatments would open up his airways and bring back the goofy, lovable Benny that was hidden underneath the wheezing and coughing.

I saw God in our doctor that day.

On Thursday it was time for preschool, but Ben wasn't quite ready to go back. Landon decided that he wanted to go by himself which made me proud and anxious all at the same time.

He was 100% excited...

So I buried my fear under a smile that matched his,
and trusted that he would be OK.

...my heart trusts in him, 

and he helps me.

After I shed a few tears walking back to the car, I felt an immense sense of joy and pride that I had raised this independent and confident boy. That he felt secure enough, brave enough to be left on his own.

My heart leaps for joy, 

and with my song I praise him.

Knowing that I can trust in God in these difficult and scary times is one of the best parts of life.

Has your trust in God been tested this past week?
Leave a comment below and let's encourage each other!

{the best part of life}

I've been thinking a lot lately about the blog, and how I can do a better job of showing the real me; about bringing you all into my heart and my mind on a deeper level. So I'm going to attempt that with a new weekly {hopefully} post called the best part of life.

These posts will simply be snippets from my week that bring me joy...things that are truly the best part of life. They might be tangible things, feelings, experiences...whatever I feel like I've been blessed with that week.

I will also be sharing a Bible verse that relates to what I'm sharing. This will be the first time that I've intentionally brought scripture into my blog on a consistent basis. I don't want it to look like I've all of a sudden found religion...which is very far from the truth. I'm careful about how I share my faith because of a past experience of deep hurt regarding the church I grew up in, that left me guarded and somewhat cynical about organized religion. Maybe I'll share that in a future post.

But for now...here is my first the best part of life post. I hope you enjoy it...and that it inspires you to view your life and world in a deeper way as well.

 ********************************************

Your steadfast love, O LORD, extends to the heavens, 

your faithfulness to the clouds.

Psalm 36:5

Today, I stood on our patio after eating lunch with Dan and the boys. I looked up to the sky and saw nothing but clear blue mixed with bright white clouds. Landon asked me to pick him up. As I snuggled my face into his soft cheek, his legs wrapped tightly around my waist, I looked up into the perfect sky and said to myself...this is the best part of life. 

It was a cool 60 degrees out this morning, so I slipped on my favorite pair of brown boots and felt that warm relief of fall right around the corner. My favorite season...the one that fills my heart with immeasurable joy and excitement. The beautiful colors, fall festivals, trips to the orchard, open windows bringing cool breezes into the house, sweaters and pumpkins.  

Discovering nature together with my boys...the first acorns of the season in the yard. Sticks that are turned into swords. Watching ants march across our patio table. Feeding squirrels the crusts from their peanut butter sandwiches. 

This is the best part of life.

*I would love to hear what you think about this new addition to the blog, and if you would be interested in joining with me in a best part of life linky party! 

Linking up with...