One Little Word 2019

Hello there friend!

I hope December is treating you well so far. Is it flying for you like it is over here in our corner of the world? Goodness it will be Christmas like...tomorrow? And 2019 like...in a week? It certainly feels that way.

I've been thinking about writing this post for a few days now. To talk about my OLW (one little word) for 2018 and what I've chosen for 2019. I've been choosing a word to guide my year for several years now, and most years my words have served me so well. Like in 2017 when my word was MAGIC. 

For 2018, I chose the word balance. 

This choice came after a chaotic and anything but balanced end of 2017, when I decided I had to pay better attention to self-care and focusing on the things that mattered in 2018. 

Little did I know what the coming year had in store for me. 

2018 was not balanced at all. Comically so. Like when I look at that cute acrylic word cut out up there, which I keep in our bedroom, it makes me giggle every time. 

It was the most painfully awkward and mentally draining year I've ever experienced. Counting down the days until 2019 over here. 

It caught me by surprise, knocked the air out of me, left me in a panic more times than I could have imagined, and forced me into painful experiences of growth I would not have chosen. 

Family illness, huge shifts in relationships, crazy big changes in my day job, my boys starting middle school, and all of the challenges that come with working an 8-5 while also working toward an art career at the same time.

I had lunch with a friend a few months ago, when I was in the thick of the hardest part of the year. Thank goodness for friends who'll let you confess that you are losing your shit while sharing a plate of BBQ nachos.  

She helped me realize that every significant area of my life was out of balance. Work, family, extended family, my art career. Nothing felt settled. No wonder I was a disaster. Ha! 

Now this is the part when I get really honest with you. For most of this year I have resented my day job in the worst way. I was in a terrible downward spiral. I wanted out. All of the change and upheaval at my job, while mostly positive, were too much for my slow-to-change soul to handle. 

One of the most challenging parts of this year? 2018 required me to use my voice in big, scary ways. You know that saying about speaking your truth, even if your voice shakes? Yep, this year had that covered for me, quite literally. 

I found myself in situations where I had to speak up about extremely difficult things. (Going back to that voice shaking thing here.) There were so many times when I wasn't sure if I should have said anything. And then after that hard experience or meeting, someone would come up to me and thank me for speaking up. And each time that happened, it became clearer to me that my voice mattered. 

The words I said actually made a difference...brought about change. Whoa. I had never experienced that before. 

And then in early November my body decided it was not having any more of this nonsense and totally went on strike during one of my biggest work event weekends of the year. I ended up in bed for three days straight after a massive panic attack. It was like my body and soul had a come to Jesus meeting and decided no way, no how, was Mandy going to spend two days being hostess to 80 people.

But that weekend was like a reset for me. I came out of it feeling relieved and ready to face whatever was ahead. And so very thankful I had come through the other side. 

I also realized that I've been trying so hard to keep areas of my life separate from each other. 

The Mandy who works 8-5 in higher ed AND the professional artist Mandy. 

The quiet, introvert Mandy AND the not afraid to speak her mind Mandy. *It was such a surprise to meet that version of me this year...I think I'll keep her.

The Mandy who is mourning change while simultaneously thanking God for new opportunities. 

The Mandy who is thankful for her current life while at the same time dreaming of more.

I want to remember in 2019 that I can be all of the things I am, all at the same time. 

I can be filled with anxiety while also using my voice and speaking my truth. I can work 8-5 in a seminary and then come home and draw illustrations for my art agent. I can be humble while also sharing my gifts and knowledge. 

It might seem a bit silly to even need to say these things because they are all a part of who I am, but for some reason I've fought letting them all live together. 

So when thinking about a word for 2019, I wasn't even sure if I was going to choose one. I mean, 2018's word fell totally flat on it's face. I knew that if I was going to choose one it needed to be exactly the right thing. I didn't want an unattainable goal, or a word that would put unneeded pressure on me after the dumpster fire of a year I had just gone through.

And then I figured it out. 

My word for 2019 is...AND.

More specifically, the ampersand (&) because it's just so darn cute. 

I want to embrace every single part of who I am this year, and not worry so much about making the wrong choices, saying the wrong thing, looking or acting differently than others might expect from me. 

I didn't realize how much I was doing this until everything I relied on got flipped on it's side this year. 

If you've made it through this entire post, bless your heart and thank you. I know I don't blog like I used to, but I have so many friends that have been with me since the beginning of this crazy little space, and I appreciate each and every one of you so very much.

I haven't decide on a talisman for 2019 to keep my word close to my mind and my heart, but with how much I love the ampersand I might just have to get a few different things. I've been pinning ideas here. 

Do you have a word for 2019? I'd love to hear more about it in the comments!

Here's to a new year of embracing every single little thing that makes you, you! 

XO,

Breaking Free

There have been two times in my life when I felt as if the universe was guiding my soul and circumstances in a way that was not under my control.

The first was five years ago when I came back to drawing.

The second is happening pretty much right now as I type this, and has been ruminating for almost all of 2018 so far.

Everything feels a bit like it is floating in a holding space, between the now and the what is going to be, and I'm just waiting for the second gate to open and let me through. 

Meanwhile God is sending me some stellar growth opportunities.

That last line was written with a bit of sarcasm, because GOODNESS. I'm spent.

Now is the time when I need to admit I had gotten myself to a very cranky place. And when I say cranky I mean bitter, annoyed, frustrated...all of those emotions we are taught to hold inside, mask with a smile, work through with a few encouraging images shared from Pinterest. I've been trying that last one and it does help a bit. 

Funny thing about God and the universe is that sometimes when you are begging for mercy, it comes in the exact opposite form you were expecting. 

For me, mercy has looked like two weeks full of challenging situations...using my voice, speaking up for myself and for others, facing hard truths, and stepping into my fullest potential. 

It has been EXHAUSTING and at the same time EMPOWERING.

You feel like you are facing it all alone. And at times you are. But I've also had friends stand up for me, take my hand and say, "I'm with you," thank me for having the courage to speak up. 

I even got a "That took guts!" which I have never, ever in my life been told. 

I have guts?! 

Surely they were mistaken.

But you know what? Turns out I do. They've been in there all along. 

The five-year-old who used to hide behind her mother's legs at church. 

The early twenty something who quit more than one job because she was terrified of failure. 

The girl who dropped an art class in college because she couldn't stand anyone watching her draw. (I know, right?!) 

She had guts. She didn't know how to use them yet, but they were already there. 

And the funny thing about using your guts is they multiply exponentially super fast with each use. Kind of like eating Grape Nuts cereal. You take one bite, and it's replaced with two more. 

The supply just keeps building, cheering you on from the conference room, the art table, the coworker's office, the email inbox. 

I was on the treadmill yesterday morning thinking about the past few weeks and shedding a few tears, (exercise is emotional you guys) and quickly typed up this list of instructions that helped get me through...

• Speak up
• Even when it is hard. Especially when it is. 
• Lean in
• Don't run away from the hard stuff. Know that it is helping you grow.
• Hold on
• Tight. To whatever you know is true and good in your life. The people, the feelings, the experiences.
• Power down
• Rest. Relax. Do what you need to do to regroup.
• Zone out
• Sometimes you have to escape from all of it, even for a few minutes. That's OK! Turn off your mind, take a nap, meditate, eat a pint of ice cream. Whatever works. 

*May I suggest 4 & 5 be done appropriately with your favorite Netflix show, your comfiest pants, and whatever comfort food fits your mood at the moment. 

Here is an illustration of me powering down, you know, for visual reference.

The lesson in all of this is I'm right where I need to be. And you are too. 

Life being hard and challenging doesn't have to mean you are stuck. 

Sometimes it is giving you the opportunity to break free. 

So a little recap for us all:

• Use those guts God gave you
• You are not stuck
• You are right where you need to be
• You are breaking free

You got this.

XO,

{Because life.}

I haven't been blogging much these days, but this morning I have the itch. 

Thinking about decorating for the holidays, and thankfulness, and anxiety.

I pulled out my box of Christmas decorations over the weekend. It is an old plastic tote that was probably passed down to me from my Mom when Dan and I got our own place. And after years of adding to our stash of tinsel and cardboard sparkly houses and garlands it was overflowing when I put it away last year. But I pushed the lid on as well as I could until I heard the sides pop, and put it away in the downstairs closet to wait another year for attention. 

When I opened it Saturday, and started to pull out our "Santa stops here" sign and my hand knitted garland, I saw it.  Mold. Apparently leaving everything in a musty basement closet in a box with a not so tight lid wasn't the best idea I've had in my lifetime. 

I cleaned what I could, threw away what I couldn't, and without a tear went to TJ Maxx to replenish what had to go in the trash. 

A few years ago I would have cried over that mold. I would have let it ruin my day and been sour grapes for at least 2-3 hours. I've never been so good with change...with molding. 

The past few years have molded me into an entirely new person. That molding was painful, and still is some days. Becoming a mother...every day becoming a mother. Struggling with a painful split in my family that seems like it will never heal, but has taught me so much about myself. Learning how to be a better wife to Dan through lots of mistakes and, thankfully, forgiveness. 

Holidays give us the time to look at what we've molded ourselves and our life into...and reflecting on what we've created.

The Christmas decorations are just icing on the cake, really. They don't define the holiday. They are the backdrop for the really good stuff we are placed on this earth to enjoy. 

The conversations with my boys about what they want Santa to bring them, and what they want to
buy for each other. Sitting in a comfy chair next to the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree, enjoying a mug of coffee with whipped cream. A shopping trip to Wal-mart with my Mom to pick out Legos for the boys and happily peruse the Christmas decorations. Picking out happies for my Grandmother so I can send her a Christmas care package full of things to make her smile. Shopping for two teenage girls who's mother needs a bit of extra help this year... lip gloss and journals and candy. Watching my husband, who is not a fan of photos, snap picture after picture of the boys decorating the tree. Remembering to take a selfie with both of my parents after a day spent with them and the boys, making Christmas cookies, decorating their tree and enjoying pizza.

All of that up there has me feeling SO blessed this year.

But can I be honest? At the same time I am sad. And scared. And anxious. 

Because life. 

I used to beat myself up over feeling those above things...because life is good and I have everything I need and blah, blah, blah. But not anymore. Because life is complex and hard and the biggest contradiction we'll ever face. To quote one of my favorites, Momastery, life is "brutiful". 

I don't know if this post has made any sense at all, but I just want you to know that if you feel happy, blessed, scared, sad, anxious, overjoyed...all at the same time...you're not alone. I truly think, at our most true selves, that's the way God intended us to feel. A big old ball of emotions. Thankful and anxious. Noticing the blessings and the hardships. 

Because life. 


XO,

{a new song}

When I have a favorite new song these days, I add it to the playlist on my phone, and it is the first thing I want to hear when I start my morning drive to work. 

The second the melody hits my ears, I instantly feel alive and energized and happy from the inside out. 

Do new songs make you feel that way too? Like you want to soak in every drum beat, drink down every ounce of the singer's voice? 

New songs equal possibility for me.

And it occurred to me this morning, as I blasted "Nothing Without Love"...my current favorite, that I want to feel this way about each new day. That it is full of energy and life and possibility. 

Imagine what life would be like if every morning felt like a brand new song. Pretty great, huh? 

XO,

{deep breaths}

Things I'm looking forward to this weekend...

deep breaths.

covering a goodwill find with olive spray paint.

enjoying my husband's sautéed brussels sprouts.

fleece pj's against my skin.

truly being with my boys with no agenda or plans.

waking up two days in a row to my natural alarm clock.

buying some fancy yogurt.

and maybe trying almond milk in my coffee.

adding spring touches to our entryway.

more deep breaths.

starting some new doodles.

reading.

pampering myself with a mud mask.

exhaling the pressures of the week.


What are you most looking forward to? 

XO,

{good-bye august}

This is the first year in my memory that I can say I didn't enjoy August.

August is my birthday month and so it has always been one of my favorites. But in the past few years that has changed with having children in school {that starts WAY too early} and my biggest work event smack dab in the middle of the month.

This whole month has been a huge contradiction of emotions. The boys started school on my birthday and that day represented pretty much the entire month...tears mixed with joy, anxiety rubbing up against gratefulness.

In many ways I'm happy to say good-bye to August. It was filled with tears and nervous stomachs and a mind so full that I really didn't know what to do with myself.

I said goodbye to a beloved pet {rest in peace my sweet Melvin} and hello to a schedule way more full than I would have wanted.

I gratefully and humbly accepted the love and support of family and friends when I was hanging on by a very thin thread.

It wasn't all bad, that's for sure. I said hello 36, to being the mother of 1st graders, and to new art adventures.

I'm so very thankful for the constant balance of difficult and defining moments.

But I've felt so out of balance and at war with the state of my life right now. One of my new goals is to find a way to balance my obligations with the very best things that I want to do, all while finding time to rest. Easy enough right?

I can't say I have much confidence I'll find a solution anytime soon, but it is a daily challenge that I need to fight for the sake of my sanity.

So, good-bye August. Hello September. I'm thrilled to see you. And I welcome you to be just as boring as you would like.

XO,

{I've lost my shovel}

So remember how I have been talking about slowing down and finding balance?

Hmm...turns out I'm not taking my own advice.

If I can be completely honest...today I went home on my lunch break with a horrible headache. I couldn't get a kitchen cabinet door to shut so I punched it. Then I screamed. Then I sobbed so uncontrollably that I scared myself.

Friends...I think that means I'm a tad overwhelmed?

I don't want this to scare you or make you worry too much about me...I'm going to be OK. But, whoa this life has me feeling suffocated right now. 

Layers upon layers upon layers of life's responsibilities have piled on top of each other and today I felt a bit like I lost my shovel. And I've always had horrible upper body strength to begin with.

I don't know what I need to do, but I know I need to do something. I've had more venti lattes in the past week than I care to admit. 

Yesterday I went to McDonald's and comforted myself with a large coke and chicken nuggets, with BBQ sauce of course. Yum that stuff is heaven, is it not? Oh yes...I am a comfort eater/drinker for sure.

So I'm overwhelmed and 10 pounds heavier. Fabulous. 

The thing is...I work from 8-5. I'm a mom when I get home. I'm working on my doodles most nights after the boys go to bed. I don't have any margin...any breathing room.

And any parent knows that weekends aren't weekends and vacations aren't vacations...so those hardly ever leave me feeling refreshed.

Why am I sharing this bowl full of despair with you? I'm hoping that at least some of you can relate and that maybe we can wallow in our shovel-less suffocation together. Or maybe you can pray for me? Or just leave a virtual hug in the comments? 

And just so I don't leave you feeling worse than when you got here...cats doing cute things...



XOXO,

{slowing down}

I spent basically all day yesterday in bed with a sinus infection.

Other than the pounding pressure in my ears, it was heavenly.

Wrapped up in my favorite green fluffy blanket, wearing my fleece pants and cozy slippers.

My body forced me to slow down this week and for the most part, I'm thanking it.

I realized this week that busy has become my new normal. If I'm not filling every moment with an important task, I feel like I'm wasting time.

Can you relate to this?

I had a super crazy month at work with two big events...I've been working a lot on my doodles...and then there is the business of being a mom and wife. All of that together makes for one freaking busy life.

And my body reacted by filling up my sinuses and wearing my mind down to the point where all I could do a few nights ago to keep from breaking down was mindlessly eat ice cream on the couch...

I wonder sometimes if God created our bodies and minds for this.

{Not for ice cream eating...I'm sure He approves of that.}

But for the BUSY that so many of us celebrate. The idea that if we aren't productive we aren't living up to our potential. I've decided that I need to reframe all of this for myself and find a better balance of productive time and allowing myself periods of rest.

I know I've been neglecting the blog too...my last post was February 17th. Sorry friends....life is just too full these days. I'm trying to figure out how to balance it all...the necessities and the extras that make my heart happy and full. Most days the things I would like to cut out are the necessities which aren't an option, so that is frustrating. My drawing sustains me a lot these days...eases my anxiety and gives me purpose.

I spent the morning Wednesday at our local coffee shop drawing and it was so therapeutic...

Here is one that came out of that session...

Hoping I can find another day soon to do that.

So bear with me as I'm finding my way through this busy life and trying to find a good balance.

Any tips?

XO,