Tuesday, October 20, 2009

{this very moment)

At this very moment I'm looking for a big hole that I can crawl into.

One that is quiet, dark and cozy. One I can curl up in and be left alone for however long it takes me to feel like myself again.

The life I'm living these days, while very blessed, isn't a life that feels like mine. It is hectic and filled with lots of things that leave me feeling worn and tired.

I have never longed this much for a day to myself...a day to sleep in, drink my coffee uninterrupted, scrapbook, take a long walk in the park, look at some magazines, all of the things I used to take for granted.

I know that a day like that just isn't a possibility in my life right now so I try to keep the idea as far away from my mind as possible. But there are times, like this very moment, that the thought creeps back in. And it makes me sad.

I love my family more than anything, but it is true that you can easily lose yourself once you become a mother. There isn't time for the old Mandy anymore. And at this very moment I really wish there was.

9 comments:

CZ said...

I really hope you are able to find some time for yourself.

Anna said...

I have been reading for a long time, but I'm not sure I've ever commented. I just wanted to thank you for sharing what's been rattling around in my own head for a few weeks now. You're so brave to put this out there. Hang in there! You are definitely not alone.

Kerith said...

You are not alone in thoughts like this. I can't imagine what it would be like to go through this with twins - my 9 month old is a handful all on his own. Would your husband object to giving you a day like what you have described? A whole day to yourself?

Dawn said...

I've been a reader of your blog for a while now, but I've never commented. This post spoke to me...you are not alone!! I have a 2 year old little boy whom I love with all my heart, but sometimes I am just worn slam out. Between work, my son, my husband, etc. etc. etc., there just isn't a lot of room left for me. Thanks for speaking up and putting this out there...motherhood isn't always glamorous! haha Hang in there! :)

DianeTaylor said...

Mandy - thanks for sharing these feelings with all of us in blogland :) Sometimes we do lose ourselves when trying to be everything to everyone (wife, mommy, sister, daughter, etc...) - and then we just forget about what is important to us. To be still and just listen.....now that I'm an empty nester, I have alot of time to do just that. And I thought I would love doing that. But....there is a part of me that misses the early years with my son, I feel like time just flew by me! I guess we all feel this way sometimes. And it's ok - I hope you can steal a few moments soon to be still and listen.
Blessings - dt

Janelle said...

I think every mother feels that way and no good mother would fault you for that. Children (and 2 at the same time) are life changing.

RachelShingleton said...

I think as new moms, we're all feeling this way at some point, but I can't even imagine having 2 instead of just my 1 busy little one! Hang in there -- and hopefully you'll be able to catch a break soon!

hopefuls #1 said...

I'm not a mom and I'm sure this would sound easier than it is to actually have it happen. But, could you have one morning, every other week that your husband takes the boys out of the house so you can have 1 or 2 hours to yourself? That way you could sleep in a bit and have your coffee in peace? Just to get a little bit of that in from time to time. You could do the same for your husband. Let him have a morning to sleep in... that way it's a fair trade?

Is that easier said than done?

Anonymous said...

Oh Mandy I know exactly how you feel. I hope you can get a few stolen moments alone and recoup!
Shannon

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