Thursday, September 06, 2012

{a shift}


When the boys were born, I had a few weeks {or I should probably say months} when I thought quite often, What did I get myself into?

It was so emotionally hard adjusting to parenthood. 

It was hard on ME.

And over the past few weeks, since the boys have started school, I've been having that same thought.

What did I get myself into?

But this time, it is because I'm watching through their eyes, how they are adjusting to becoming people of this world. Seeing the world outside of our four walls, without the safety net of Mom and Dad.

I'm seeing in Landon's teary eyes the anxiety over going to school. That helpless look in his eyes that I know ALL too well when he walks into that room full of children laughing and playing, and he doesn't know how to find his place in it all. 

It brings back the same anxiety I had in junior high when I would sit and cry in the principal's office, asking to go home, because the thought of being in that room of thirty 13 year olds was just too much for me to handle. 

And now I see that same fearful look in my four year old's eyes. 

The anxiety has shifted.

And I can't help but think "What did I get myself into?" 

How do I bear both the load of not only my own anxiety, but now more importantly of my son's as well?

How do I clear the fear from my eyes so that when he looks into them he knows that everything is going to be OK?

It is unexplainably difficult at times. 

The troubles of my heart are enlarged; 
bring me out of my distresses. 
Look upon my affliction and my trouble ... 
Guard my soul and deliver me ... 
for I take refuge in Thee.
-Psalm 25: 17-18, 20

This scripture has helped to calm my heart a bit, but I still feel an overwhelming anxiety today. How do you calm your heart when you are feeling unsettled?

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1 comment:

Amee Eastman said...

Awwww, it's tough being a Mom! This brings back memories b/c my youngest son has terrible anxiety about school. (yes, he got it from this moma). I remember thinking the same thing as you. It's tough!!! Lots of prayer and just trying to be strong for him...then cry when you get out of his site!
Hang in there!!!!! :)

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