So before I get into this, let me first say that this post contains a lot of first world problems. You might think I sound like a spoiled brat and to be honest I do as well...but it is how I feel so I'm going with it. And maybe my honesty will help you feel better about something you're going through.
I've been on sabbatical from my job for over a month now and it has been the biggest rollercoaster of emotion that I was not prepared for. Or maybe I was...I was terrified at the start.
For a good part of the past 5 weeks I've felt lost and disoriented. I had no clue how ingrained my weekday routine was in my subconscious. How much it defined me to have a place to go every day from 8-5 with a set list of responsibilities.
Sure, the idea of not having to go to work for a good chunk of a time sounded fabulous, but boy it is easier said than done to quit cold turkey and figure out what to do with yourself.
I posted this photo to my Instagram this morning...
And while the caption was true, it isn't the whole story.
A few hours later and I am sitting in the same spot, coffee cold in my mug, fighting a tension headache, and honestly a pretty big panic attack about what the heck to do with myself today. It is like I've forgotten how to be myself...or am I relearning a new way to be?
Change has always been super hard for me and I thought I had gotten better at it, but nope, still a struggle. Like doing work from home...huge hurdle for me to overcome. Trying to focus is nearly impossible. (Especially when there is cat puke to clean up and a rug that needs a good vacuum...you know the FUN stuff about being home all day.)
And then there is the tremendous pressure I feel to make huge strides with my art during this time. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure right now because I have no idea what direction to go. Do I create another coloring book? Do I work on prints? Do I keep submitting my artwork to companies for licensing opportunities? I want to do it all but even with this break there isn't enough time in the day. I'm trying my hardest to listen to my intuition, to God, and also pay attention to signs around me to keep me on the right track. Trusting in the universe and all that jazz.
Being home like this is most importantly allowing me to do more for the boys, more for Dan, more around the house. Which is wonderful and overwhelming all at the same time. Like right now I should be doing the dishes right? That pan containing last night's mac-n-cheese isn't going to clean itself. Oh now wouldn't that be nice?
I know in the long run this break from routine is going to be good for me. I'm going to learn a lot about myself. They say any good change is painful and scary in some way, right?
Welp...hello fear...please do something good for me. Meanwhile I'm going to microwave my coffee and carry on.