My ordinary life feels holier to me on the raw days.
I wrote that during a free-writing exercise in a class I took last spring.
Yesterday was surely one of those days.
As a hormonal female, I've come over the past year to realize that there are a few days out of the month that I'm just plain raw. My emotions are on overload. I'm irritable and not so fun to be around.
It takes work and a lot of awareness for me to bury that rawness.
When I woke up yesterday after the hubby let me sleep in until 9:45 {so thankful for that!}, this was the scene I was greeted by...
The boys were watching Cars while playing with their cars. This, of course, is a no-brainer.
After I settled onto the couch to watch the movie with them, I surveyed the room. Aside from two adorable boys that I could kiss all day long, all I saw was the mess of toys on the floor.
If I can be totally honest, a toy covered floor STRESSES ME OUT. Like nothing other. Well, that and our horrible kitchen, but that is another story for another day.
And on most days when I'm feeling as raw as I was, I would let that mess stress consume me until I was the last person you would want to spend the day with. And I've let it do that too many times, I'm ashamed to say.
But yesterday morning as I was beginning to feel that stress and rawness envelope me, I remembered this blog post from Liz Lamoreux about saying YES to the moment...whatever moment you find yourself in.
From Liz's blog:
And even in the midst of the messy reality of the everyday, I try to find that space to take a deep breath and see the beauty of this moment.
I was so thankful that Liz's words came to me in that moment. Because I was able to banish the stress, and embrace that messy, real moment. Close my eyes and soak in the laughter coming from the boys' soft lips, run my fingers up and down Landon's smooth feet, wrap my arms tightly around Ben's warm body.
The toy mess will eventually be cleaned up {and it was...by the boys even!} but those moments of cuddling and savoring their 5-year-oldness are fleeting and I am determined to let go of the stress and embrace them.
I'm realizing that embracing life doesn't come naturally, but it sure is worth the work. So I'm thanking God for the raw days instead of wishing them away.
There is beauty in the rawness.
XO,
Today you turn five years old.
Five years of being your momma, as you've started to call me again. I secretly love it. OK, maybe not so secretly.
Five years of you needing me, and me slowly realizing how much I need you. I'm sorry it took me awhile to come around. I'm like that with all big changes in my life.
And now that you are no longer babies, I'm hanging onto those last bits of holding and rocking, boo-boo kissing and cuddling. I wrote this for you...
***********************************
And So We Do
"Mommy, will you rock me?" he says in the room lit by two night lights and insulated by artificial ocean sounds.
"You're too big to be rocked," was my immediate response.
A small whimper. The same request again...this time pleading.
I'm exhausted. Frustrated. Aching for a bit of time to call my own.
You just want to be rocked.
To feel the strong yet gentle hold my arms offer. The slow rocking as your toes graze the carpet each time I bow to the right.
My right arm cradles your long lean legs, the crook of my elbow a sling for your limp knees. You melt into me.
"What song do you want?" I ask. This plays on repeat most nights...sometimes four or five times before your sleep comes.
"I love you Benny," you whisper. This is my made-up lullaby.
Back and forth our bodies sway in unison as I softly sing the words, "I love you Benny, oh yes I do." It is a short session, much unlike the ones when rocking was a part of our routine, in a proper chair, the repetitive sway making my eyes as heavy as yours...both of us drifting off to a quiet place together.
I often admire your feet. Still untouched by the world. Smooth skin. No callouses or cracks. They remind me that your spirit is the same...so naive to the world I knew that causes my heart to race and ache.
You just want to be rocked.
And so we do.
***************************
Happy birthday my beautiful boys...I'm so thankful to be your momma.
Things have been a bit quiet here on the blog front. At least from me, that is.
I was honored last week to feature the lovely homes of five of my dear blogging friends for a great series, Blogging Moms @ Home. It was my first time hosting a blog series and I will definitely be doing it again soon! {if you have ideas...leave them for me in the comments!}
But back to that quietness.
I've been taking a two-week intensive writing course, "Finding Your Voice," which started last week and it will finish up this Friday. It has reopened my eyes to my love for writing. And given me a safe space to share. To say I am loving it is an understatement. I'm trying so hard to not think about Friday, and the fact that it will be over. I'll have to go it alone after that...good-bye to the safe group of friends to share my intimate heart spilling with...no more four hours a day full of inspiration and encouragement. Did I mention I'm going to miss it?
My Discovering Your Truth workshop partner-in-crime, Amy, is the writing course instructor, and in many ways this past semester, has been my savior. She's helped awaken me to possibilities for my life that I think I always knew were there but didn't have the courage to let in.
Let me tell you a bit about Amy.
She is southern. She is fun. She is honest and encouraging and real. I didn't realize how much I was craving that real-ness until she popped into my little life. It was like God knew just what I needed. Funny how He works that way. If I had one wish for everyone, it would be to find a friend like Amy. Or be open to letting them in...it seems like they come to you if you let them.
And sound the alarm friends...I'm reading again. Not just blog posts and Facebook status updates...but BOOKS people, BOOKS! I just finished The Happiness Project and I think next on my list will be Daring Greatly. I also just started this book, which was co-authored by a friend and alum of the seminary I work for. So far I'm loving the idea of using all of our senses in our spiritual journey. I might have to workshop that. {wink}
And thanks to my classmates and Amy, my book wish list on Amazon is growing exponentially.
I am jotting down ideas here and there for my next workshop. The first one got my feet wet and now I am working on letting the water come up to my knees, or maybe even my hips. We'll see...I am afraid of deep water...this presents a metaphorical challenge.
Right now I'm leaning on this quite heavily...
Oh, and speaking of hard things! If you don't follow me on Facebook or Instagram, I wanted to share that my husband and I met with the boys' kindergarten principal last week and this fall they will be in the same class! Such a weight lifted. My freak out is over. I know many of you were keeping us in your thoughts so thank you so much for that!
So after all of that rambling, I just want to let you know that I'm still here but very immersed in this writing thing...and getting ready for a 5th birthday party for two certain boys I know. {hold me}
But fear not...more fun posts are on the way! :)
