*Disclaimer: This isn't a unicorns and rainbows post about motherhood...I'll try to share one of those next to even things out.
Here's what I'm thinking about it today.
It fills your heart up SO full with love and pride and amazement that you don't think it can hold anymore.
And then there are the days that it makes your head want to burst with 101,457 "why" questions, uneaten dinosaur-shaped peanut butter sandwiches, yogurt stains on the table, bubble bath remnants on your shirt, and fights to get them into their pj's.
Days that you wish you could start over because you lost your patience way too many times. You didn't give them a chance to speak their mind. You said "no" before they even had a chance to say what their little 4 11/12 year old mouth wanted to say. And you dismiss their complaints in a way that would infuriate you if the same was done to you.
It is such a humbling experience.
If you are like me, you thought you were so patient, so kind, so loving. Until you had children.
And then you hear those screams come out of your mouth when you just can't take anymore whining over not wanting to eat their spaghetti, or not being able to pick up their toys because it is "too hard." Before you can pull them back in, you find the words "shut up" slipping out of your lips when you just can't find a better way to express your utter need for a few moments of quiet. Or then there's the worst moment...out of your sheer, end-of-the-rope exhaustion over another request ignored, you use your hand to release your frustration on their little backside...feeling relief and the worst guilt ever all at the same time.
Never in my life did I think that it would challenge me the way it has. And I'm finding the almost 5 year old stage coming with a whole new set of speed bumps. It is like they have a volume switch and someone cranked it up 500 decibals. They are so LOUD for goodness sakes. Sometimes my hubby and I just have to laugh over the fact that we can't ever have a conversation when they are around. Maybe we should take up sign language or buy some cue cards.
I know, I know...I should soak it all in while they are little.
But some days you just don't know what to do with all of it.
And I've been having a few of those this week.
I don't mean for this post to be a total downer...just a realistic look at the not so easy days. We all have them. And I know sometimes we judge other mothers for looking like they don't have it all together. But let's be honest, none of us do.
And then, thank God, there are moments like this...
That bring me back to my blessed reality.
And help me to choose my words with more patience and love. To treat them with kindness and understanding. To take a deep breath and push out the negativity.
And to know that with God's grace I can try again tomorrow.
And maybe I should also buy some ear plugs.